HERO: For the benefit of the tape, this is an interview conducted by Superintendent Ted Hastings and the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johson.
Now, Mr Johnson, we have received information from an undercover officer embedded within your government about a number of issues that have been brought to the attention of this anti-corruption unit.
VILLAIN: Mr Hustings, I am the First Lord of the Treasury, and have the right to be questioned by someone one rank senior!
HERO: A bottom-feeding whelk is a rank senior to you, sunshine, so houl yer wisht.
HERO: Now to get back to the matter in hand. More than one of our covert human intelligence sources have ear-witness evidence, perhaps even audio files, of you saying after ordering a lockdown in October 2020 that there would be “no more f***ing lockdowns – let the bodies pile high in their thousands”. In their THOUSANDS, fella! Will you confirm that?
VILLAIN: It’s a lie.
HERO: The CMO and CSO supported by members of SAGE, all state that lockdowns save lives. The CHIS claims that you resisted this lockdown long past the point when it was needed, and more importantly that you were told it was needed and, indeed, that it had widespread public support. From the date of the second lockdown you – finally – ordered on October 31, 2020, until the end of March, 2021, the Office of National Statistics registered 92,423 deaths as involving Covid-19. Sweet baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey, these are the thousands of bodies you were prepared to pile high!
VILLAIN: No comment.
HERO: That figure compares to 58,189 who had Covid-19 on their death certificates between March 1, 2020, and October 31. It’s almost double! The accusation is that your indecision killed not only everyone who can fit inside Wembley Stadium, but the teams, the sub’s bench, the medics and the queue for the pies, as well!
VILLAIN: No comment.
HERO: You will comment, fella. Not only am I considering charges of misconduct in public office, an offence under common law triable on indictment to a Crown court, and carrying with it, I may say, a LIFE sentence, but there are journalists, voters, and hundreds of thousands of grieving people who will pursue you with these questions every day of your life.
CARMICHAEL: These are hypothetical deaths, let’s keep this interview within the previously-agreed parameters, as per my last email, Edward.
HERO: But he’s killed 150,000 people, Detective Chief Superintendent!
CARMICHAEL: Moving on to the wallpaper.
HERO: This could blow the government wide apart. We are closer than ever before to uncovering the identity of the person who controls the Old Boys’ Club, the shadowy network of corrupt public schoolboys who have been getting away with this for years! I must be allowed to ask if Michael Gove’s involved in the OBC!
CARMICHAEL: I am SIO and if you disobey my instructions I will issue a Reg-15 and begin disciplinary procedures. Would you prefer that?
HERO: Can’t we at least check his hair for fibres of clothing from some fruity Whitehall intern Carrie doesn’t know about yet?
CARMICHAEL: For the benefit of the DIR, Superintendent Hastings is going to ask about the wallpaper.
HERO: Moving on, ma’am. Prime Minister, your government is leaking like a colander, which I need hardly tell you shows distrust for government at the very heart of that government. We received further information from the CHIS that renovations within the flat at 11 Downing Street amount to a total of £200,000. Records show you are resident at that flat. Now, forensic financial analysis of the wallpaper in the flat, Prime Minister, shows that you didn’t pay for it.
VILLAIN: All costs of renovation were definately paid by me personally.
HERO: Last year you appeared to be short of £58,000 of that £200,000 bill. Is that correct?
VILLAIN: No comment.
HERO: According to the CHIS, who may have poor eyesight but excellent hearing and note-taking abilities, you attempted the unethical, foolish, and possibly illegal move of setting up a charity to mask a £58,000 payment from a party donor which would not need to be declared publicly. Is that correct?
VILLAIN: No comment.
HERO: It is now claimed that, after it became known you were attempting this circuitous route of laundering the wallpaper, as it were, you have since settled that £58,000 payment yourself. How is it you were short £58,000 last year, and have now found £58,000? Where did you get the money from?
VILLAIN: No c… a loan. I got a loan.
HERO: Now we’re sucking diesel! From whom did you get this loan? A bank? A person? Another donor? What do they get in return for loaning the man who runs the country a sum of money which would buy two houses in Hartlepool, with enough left over for decoration, so long as you don’t hire a leprechaun to paint it in liquid gold? If we analyse this money, will it have connections to other money known to be linked to the OBC? And how is it possible to get a loan for £58,000, having been £58,000 in the hole not five minutes earlier?
For the benefit of the DIR, the PM is ruffling his hair. That doesn’t work on me, fella. There’s only one thing I’m interested in, and it’s nicking bent politicians.
VILLAIN: Now look, Mr Hastings, I didn’t know any of this, I’m being framed, it’s a set-up, Michael Gove has been controlling me and making me do all these terrible things!
HERO: He’s been controlling you from birth, has he? Because your professional standards have been below par your whole life.
VILLAIN: I just want to be liked! I thought this was a popularity contest. I didn’t realise there was actual work involved, and horrible decisions. I’ve been getting all these texts from people trying to control me. When Tommy Hunter told me I had to back Brexit to become PM I had no idea it would go this far!
HERO: I didn’t float up the Lagan in a bubble, Prime Minister. I am the embodiment of public loathing for people who abuse power, and I’m going to throw the book at you, followed by the bookshelf! We have enough evidence from the CHIS to charge the PM with being part of the OBC, flouting advice from the CMO, CSO, and SAGE, committing MIPO and gross negligence leading to the deaths of at least 92,423 people and quite likely more.
VILLAIN: But, vaccines! I can’t be bent, if I got the vaccines!
HERO: No, JVT suggested the vaccines, Kate Bingham got them, the NHS injected them, and you are on course for making them next to useless because you haven’t controlled the borders properly for 16 months, which means Covid-19 variants are able to enter the country with the potential for vaccine escape. The world recorded 1.8m Covid deaths last year, and Mother of God, we’re at 1.2m for this year already.
There are 12,000 Covid deaths recorded worldwide every day. That’s another 3m this year. And it is a gross undercount! In India alone, there are 1,500 recorded deaths every day, but 17,000 funeral pyres. There is evidence existing immunity is waning and every attempt to reopen creates new waves, with mutant strains that are more transmissible and deadly, and they’re crossing our borders which you, sir, have left open! Our Foreign Aid budget could have helped with public health messaging, community health workers, vaccinations, and viral genomic sampling to stop and track these new strains.
Tell me, Prime Minister, who just cut foreign aid by a third, on the grounds that foreigners don’t matter?
For the benefit of the DIR, the PM has nothing to say. Lock him up, and let those lesbian prison warders have him. No, not *that* sort of lesbian. The other kind.
Eesh. Bent coppers I can deal with, but bent politicians – give me strength.